2015 IN A NUTSHELL, KIND OF.

OK-NOT REALLY.

Things can get complicated and we all have to find our way.

While most photographers share a collection of epic photos of their best moments to end off the year, I thought about doing the same thing but I just couldn't find myself doing so once I had started. It kind of just morphed into the origin of how Heart & Seeker Photography came to be. Social media is a funny thing, because it usually depicts idealized situations and happy moments. It's something I appreciate but I also see the fault in our dedicated filtering.

In complete transparency, 2015 was a whirlwind and probably the hardest year I've ever had. It started with a lot of aimless wandering and guesswork as I worked as a youth leader in the High School ministry at my church, became a full-time student, started two businesses and pursued a career in the Navy in the wake of a devastating break-up. This was the first woman I had wholeheartedly loved. To this day, I still value the time we got to spend with each other and the memories we made. However, it was undeniable that I definitely had set myself up for a fall harder than I could ever be ready to embrace. In the end, I was hurt, but I had learned a lot. 

I had made a lot of mistakes and it exposed a lot of things about myself that I hadn't seen before. When the dust cleared, I found myself wondering how I got to be in this disoriented place, let alone begin fathoming how to get back on my feet.

At the time, I was working in Berkeley and commuting from Pleasanton. Running a little one-man coffee trailer inside a plant nursery for a cafe called Local 123. It was nice but not something I wanted to ultimately end up doing for a more than year before jumping ship to start something of my own. However, I've always loved the romance surrounding coffee shops and carts. It cultivates a community of so many eclectic personalities where intimate and unique relationships are built from the coffee grounds up (har har! you're welcome for that.) That's a pretty amazing thing considering these relationships are based around what could be perceived as the shallow medium of "just" coffee. ("Just COFFEE"?!? Fools.)

Nevertheless, I  had a dream to create and cultivate my own coffee-powered community someday. With that, I set off to pursue a coffee job out in Berkeley to learn as much as I could beyond my work experience at Peet's coffee. My desire to join the military continued to steadily loom overhead in the background. So what was my solution? I decided to pursue it all. Between all of that, in my less than active dating life, I miraculously met the aforementioned girl during my last few shifts at Peet's before taking the job in Berkeley. (All of the Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter I was watching at the time may or may not have contributed to my lack of dating. I have no regrets. Muggles.) I was and still am a complete newbie when it comes to dating. As our relationship developed, I found myself head over heels for her. We were both crazy for each other. We wore our hearts on our sleeves as we fumbled down the delicate and intricate road of relationship.

As you may have surmised, I was in a place of transition, and that's putting it nicely. I wasn't sure if I wanted to start a business, pursue school, or the military. All of that got even more confusing when I entered into that relationship. It would be a lie to not mention my hesitation in just ditching school to start a business. Coming from a family that owned a restaurant, I knew full well the "price of admission" for such an endeavor. Growing up, my parents were largely absent in my upbringing. When I was around them, it would be at the restaurant; an environment that consisted of high stress, yelling and orange chicken. 

The toll was steep and I had to ask myself if that's really what I desired for my future family. I was at a crossroads. One path was to continue on the one I was on, the other leading back to school, and the last, a career in the military.

I remember finally coming to a conclusion, especially since the military path wasn't making itself an opportunity for me as the Navy was downsizing in active duty members in an already competitive field for medical jobs within the department. I really believed God was showing me that this relationship was closing doors and opening up the one I've always wanted. With that, I decided on a hard pass to not go to the military and so school and coffee it was. I felt like I finally had the direction and clairvoyance I was searching for. As life would have it, the proverbial pissing on the wound whispered in the wind when the break-up occurred like a lightning fast reversal-counter-punch-to-the-face does in a boxing match. Timing is a funny thing and so is the feeling of your life getting tossed into a blender when unexpected things happen.

With a blink of an eye, the relationship ended, then immediately the next week I traveled to Belize to assist in a free dental clinic/contribute to a teen-esteem presentation team. Although the trip was nice to temporarily pause any selfish, irrational thought, I returned with what could only be described as a buffet selection of non-delicious and overwhelmingly pungent feelings and thoughts regarding my worth, my purpose, and decisions to make on what to do with life.

I was speechless, bewildered.. a mess. 

I had arrived in a place where waves of feelings would rush over me at random intervals. They were sporadic; intermittently hitting me with this really unique, guttural feeling called, "sucks to suck."

I quit my job and I probably had a solid 2 months straight of throwing myself the pity party for one as the end of the year holidays went by. It's about as miserable as one might guess.

On a somewhat brighter note, in that time I was able to beat more Super Nintendo games I had ever in my life as I locked myself away in my dungeon of a room.

When my parents had the restaurant. We raised Koi fish which were known for their incredibly long lives which grew to be disgustingly huge thanks to their resilience. Essentially, they were known for enduring harsh environments. As a kid, I spent a lot of time at the restaurant working. Like any 9 year old, I wanted to play rather than work. Naturally, I could probably be found gazing into the fish tank rather than working. I had grown up around these fish and it inspired daydreams of being a superhero with super-human toughness as I went about my day busing tables and waiting guests.

Fast forward to the future, here I was in shambles. I thought I needed to be like the superhero in my daydreams and just tough it out, I was definitely wrong.

I came across a verse in the bible. It read: As water reflects the face, so one's life reflects the heart. (Proverbs 27:19) No truer words could be uttered. I was letting my heart rot as I lived my life in this woefully painful-to-watch episode of "Johnny is sad but everything is cool?" It wasn't really the callous nature of enduring that I needed this time, but rather grace and acceptance that was required for me to grow up and move on.

Although I can make light of it and jest about it now, it was a really difficult time for me where I gave into the less than healthy habits of working out excessively while retaining no social life, playing video games, drinking mad amounts of whiskey and eating boat loads of donuts. I knew something needed to change, maybe not the donut-eating or working out bit, but certainly my return to society!

So I laid out a plan to pick up where I left off. First, I jumped back into community. I got together with friends and I thought about all the dreams I had (again), and I proudly proclaimed that I would do them all, again! With full-force and new found post-break-up-tenacity, I created Heart & Seeker Photography, started Welcome Home Coffee Roasters with my close friend Shawn, and entered into a full-time student schedule at Las Positas to become a firefighter in place of not being able to join the Navy. I loved everything about the communal aspect of coffee, the creative nature of photography, and the selfless mentality of firefighting. Between all of that, I had finally found my passion in firefighting. Ultimately, that's where I want to end up in order to fulfill an even greater desire to have a family I can spend time with someday.

To briefly explain some of the basic requirements in becoming a firefighter, every candidate needs to be in the very least EMT-certified. As time pressed on, my desire to enlist never diminished. I figured, heck, I'm single, this is the perfect time to check two things off the list; I can serve in the military and get closer to becoming a viable firefighter candidate for hire. From there, I reignited my quest to get my EMT through the military. As God allowed, I got the medic job I spent so long trying to get, but with the Army Reserve this time around.

So here we are, at the end of 2015. Another year at its end, I'm not sure where this next year will lead me, but it's going to be an experience for sure. The word "Adventure" is too fun of a word to use (for now). I'm sure I'll both cringe and laugh at this when I read this post next year. I'm going out with so much gratitude to all of my friends and loved ones; For spurring me on, and encouraging me to be brave. You are seriously the best, and when everything was dark for me, God left you as lights for me to follow. I can't thank you all enough for that. See you all in 7 or so months.